Rejoicing and Weeping

While we are called to live peaceably with all as far as it concerns us, there are degrees of relationship.  The closer the relationship, the more energy we are called to invest in it to keep it healthy and safe.  Each of us has a different capacity for relationship; we are not called to be equally intimate, to invest equally deeply in everyone we know.  Some relationships are to be given priority by means of proximity (loving your "neighbor" - see Luke 10:29ff) and sibling relationships are certainly some of those "neighbor" relationships.

Romans 12:10 says that Christians are to "love one another with brotherly affection" [emphasis mine].  Even the use of the word "brotherly" as an adjective suggests that there is a naturally assumed closeness and affinity between siblings.  So, what does "brotherly affection" look like?  There are four main topics addressed in the verses which follow:

1. Live peaceably with all.
2. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
3. Outdo one another in showing honor.
4. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

In the previous post, we talked about #1 (Peace is an Uphill Journey) and I promised there that we'd expand on what it looks like to actively seek peace in the household. Today let's start a discussion about #2: rejoicing and weeping.  The verses in Romans read as follows:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Romans 12:15-16a

Part of what it means to love brothers and sisters is to "harmonize" with them, both in their joy and in their sorrow, to tune our chords to the major and minor keys of their melody.  This sounds commonsensical, but it isn't always easy.  We are naturally self-focused and concerned mostly with our own experience and emotions.  It takes a great deal of purpose and intentionality to observe what is happening in the lives of those around us and to engage with them in the rejoicing or weeping it produces.

When several children are playing outside and one falls and is hurt, others need to stop and see how they can help.  It is "discordant" for everyone else to laugh and play happily while a sibling cries nearby.  On the other hand, when one child receives a special treat or privilege, it is important for siblings to learn how to be happy for that child and rejoice with them rather than robbing them of a part of their joy by spite or negative comments.

Mama, when one of your little ones comes to you excited about a drawing or a nature find, do you enjoy it with them?  When a child is upset about something that seems to you like a minor problem, do you belittle their concern, or relate to their hurt?  This sharing in the moments of life - even when they arise at inconvenient times - builds emotional capital in the relationship bank.  This proactive, self-sacrificing, other-focused attitude is a huge part of the daily seeking of peace.

This isn't a "quick tip".  Your children will struggle to do this.  You will struggle to do this.  It goes against the grain and takes a great deal of self-knowledge and self-control to engage with another in their joys and sorrows, especially when those emotions happen to be contrary to what we ourselves are currently feeling.  Imagine how difficult it can be to rejoice with someone's new home purchase when you are experiencing financial struggles, or how difficult it can be to tuck away enthusiasm over a new baby in order to weep with a friend who has just experienced a miscarriage.

Sometimes, as a mother, you will have to counsel in both directions at once.  The child who gets to spend a weekend with the grandparents needs to keep from gloating over his privilege and to identify with how sad his siblings will be to miss him and to miss the fun with grandparents.  On the other hand, the siblings need to rejoice with him in his special treat and not try to make him feel guilty for having this priveledge.

What is the balance?  Who gives more?  What emotions are appropriate to share, when and to what degree?  This is not the stuff of rules, checklists and flow-charts.  This is the stuff of living side by side and walking through the experiences of life with your children in a wisdom-building, grace-instilling way.  This is enough work to fill up a lifetime.  But it is good work.  And it is work with eternal value.  Dig deep, mama.  Lean in.  Not a moment is wasted, not a tear or a prayer goes unnoticed.

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.

Mama Marriage Counselor

I'm starting a new series on the blog today and along with it a new page to collect the related posts.  You can find the text below on the Mama Marriage Counselor page (also a new tab at the top of the blog) and look there to see new posts as they are added.

Who had it first?  Who does it belong to?  Where did she find it?  What did she do to you after that?

Do you decide for the plaintiff or the defendant?  And which one is which anyway?

I used to view my role in sibling disputes more like that of a judge: hear the facts, render a verdict and hand down a sentence.

And then one day, everything began to change When God Turned the Tables on Me.

And now, I am learning, slowly, that being a mama in the midst of little people is more like the role of a marriage counselor than the role of a judge.  Sure, I can make a ruling on who gets the ball, who gets to sit there, or whose turn is next.  That is much simpler and quicker.  And it is of value to my children ... for about the next 35 seconds until another dispute erupts.  Or, I can walk alongside them and teach them how to understand what is going on in their own hearts.  I can view each "episode" as a learning opportunity for understanding people, their needs, our needs and our own tendencies.  And that is of eternally lasting value.

There are, however, two problems with this second approach.  First, it takes a lot longer.  It is a lot more challenging mentally, physically and emotionally to really invest into people's lives, to sit with them in their struggle and to be a safe place for them to turn their hearts inside out and dump everything onto the table for you to peruse.

Secondly, it will inevitably lead to your own journey of self-discovery.  You will never be that safe place unless your heart is inside out on the table, too.  But hold onto your hat, sister.  Once you start this journey, side by side with those little people who live in your home and breathe the same air you breathe, you will never be the same again.  It is like drinking from a fire hydrant.  So much testing by fire (or by water?) that sometimes you will wish you could go back to being the impartial judge and sentence-declarer.

And this is why we need to, we must take this journey in community.  Will you join us here?  Think of this as the counselors' meeting room.  Let us stir one another up to love and good works!

When God Turned the Tables on Me

Note: Even though I am new to blogging, I have been writing for years because it really helps me to process my thoughts.  Most of the things I write have just hibernated on my hard drive.  But I have shared a few things over the years, and this is one of them.  So if you know me in real life, this may be a re-run.

It was a fairly routine morning.  We had slogged through breakfast and clean-up and we were somewhere in the middle of making it through the morning.  I don’t even remember if this was one of the days when we attempted to accomplish some school work or not.  What I do remember was that the children were at each other with bickering and arguing.  I also remember that I was tired of dealing with it and just wanted it all to stop.  So, I did what (I thought) any good Christian mother would do.  I marched them all into the living room and sat them all on the sofa so that I could beat them over the head with some Bible verses (figuratively, not literally).

Although I knew better, I tended to treat Scripture as a handy list of how-to’s which, if I could conform my children closely enough to, would lead to a smoothly-run and peaceful household.  This particular day, I wanted to persuade my children of the importance of dealing with inter-personal problems according to the simple and straightforward method laid out in Matthew 18.  Follow this recipe, I wanted to convey, and we will all be a lot happier.

I opened up to Matthew 18 and scanned down through the verses until I came to the part about your neighbor trespassing against you.  I was reading to them from the King James Version and in that version, verse 15 begins in this way …

“Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee …”

I’ve listened to enough sermons in my lifetime to know that if a verse begins with something like “Moreover” or “Therefore” it means that the current statements are based on the context of what came before it.  So, in an attempt to be a good Bible scholar, I decided to back up to the beginning of the passage to put the pertinent verses in their context.  But an amazing thing happened as I read and explained.  I realized that God had turned the tables on me.  It was I who was being “beaten over the head” (although with far more tenderness and compassion than I had myself managed to muster) with these verses.

In Matthew 18, Christ begins by talking about little children.  In order to enter the kingdom of heaven, we must become like a little child.  In fact, God’s love for his little children is so deep and so fierce that he has stern warnings for those who cause one of his little ones to stray.  He compares himself to a shepherd who will do whatever it takes to seek after lost sheep.  And it is in this context, directly on the heels of the sheep-seeking illustration that the “Moreover” of verse 15 arrives.

Suddenly, it hit me.  Verses 15 and following are not intended primarily as a neat and orderly protocol for mediating human disputes and achieving justice (though in God’s providence, that may result).  Instead, these verses are a quick-reference guide on the active practice of participating with Christ in the sheep-seeking mandate.

So, what does someone sinning against you have to do with seeking lost sheep?  Well, presumably, if the sin was committed against you, then you were the first one to know that one of Christ’s sheep strayed off the path.  You were watching when he wandered out of the pasture, so, naturally, the first responsibility falls to you to run after him.  And, if you can’t manage the rescue on your own, you need to get help!

Even in the moment, I felt the difficulty of these words.  Wait a minute, someone sins against me, wounds me, disrespects me, treats me wrongly … and God is expecting me to joyfully jump up and go cheerfully after him, coaxing him to come back and hang out with us?  In a word, Yes.

Thankfully, the Lord anticipated my incredulity, and apparently Peter could relate to it, too.  You can hear the tension in his voice when he asks the Lord how many times one is expected to do this.  Doesn’t there come a point when we are released from the seemingly-impossible task of running after someone who has just hurt us?  Isn’t there some kind of limit or breaking point?  As was often his way, the Lord responded to Peter (and to me) with a parable.

The parable he tells is about the wicked servant who is forgiven an impossible debt by the king and then refuses to forgive a small debt to a friend.  Essentially, Christ was saying, “Well, Peter, I’m only asking you to do a small fraction of what I did for you.”  How can Christ expect us to run lovingly after someone who has just spit in our faces or slapped us or mocked us?  Because that’s exactly what he did for us.  Except our sins against him are sins against the infinite God and Creator of the universe, whereas the sins of others against us are simply sins against finite, created human beings.

When someone sins against us, we should be concerned about the offense that was committed.  But we should be concerned about it more fully as it serves to hamper that person’s relationship with the almighty God than in whatever sense it damaged that person’s relationship with us.  David recognized the much weightier sense of sin as an obstacle to his relationship with God when he said, in Psalm 51, “Against thee, thee only have I sinned …”  Certainly it was true that he had sinned against Uriah, Bathsheba, Joab, his soldiers and even the people of Israel as a whole.  But in the ultimate sense, the greatest weight of his offense was found in sinning against God.

So, here I was facing my children with a Bible in hand that I had planned to use like a wrecking ball to smack them around a little bit and whip them into shape for my own personal pleasure and convenience.  And instead, the Lord used Matthew 18 to say to me, “Are you running after these little sheep like I would run after them, to coax them back tenderly?  Or are you doing a better job of chasing them further away with your arrogant, self-centered attitude?  Watch out.  I don’t take kindly to those who cause my little ones to stumble.”

I considered myself warned.  Instead of lecturing, I confessed my sin to my children and I asked their forgiveness.  Thus began my journey into understanding that, while there is something truly unique and special about the privilege I have been given to be the mother of these dear children, there are also many ways in which my relationship with them is very like my relationship with my other brothers and sisters in Christ.  And because of this, there is no shortage of wisdom in all of Scripture, and in Matthew 18 about how to be a good mother to the little portion of the flock over which my Father has given me particular care and jurisdiction.

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.

Looking for Answers

Things still feel rough around here.  I still feel like I'm searching for answers.  I've made some progress on the track of practical solutions.  But I also have to admit that practical solutions are, at best, a temporary relief.  But (I should know this by now!) the answers that are of eternal good, that help despite the circumstances are the ones that transcend the circumstances.

Through a series of (super encouraging, life-giving) conversations with my brother and my mom, the Lord led me to 2 Corinthians 4.  I was looking for that "jars of clay" passage and I found more than I bargained for to nourish my soul.  This is what I am thinking on and praying today.


Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.

[Having this ministry.  It's a mercy.  That's a new thought.  And it's a reason not to lose heart.  Interesting.  Help me not to lose heart, Lord.  And to think of this ministry to my family as a mercy.]

But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

[I'm here for the gospel.  It's not my job to train my children to perform academic parlor tricks that make me look like an expert.  It's not my job to convince others that I've found the right or best way to homeschool so that I can gain a following.  It's not even my job to arrange things so that I feel successful.  It's about the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.  Help me, Lord!]

For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.  For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

[I'm not here to seek my own kingdom.  I'm here to serve my children for the sake of Jesus.  Light of the Knowledge of the Glory of God ... in the face of Jesus Christ ... that sounds like it might be something important to keep in mind.  That sounds like the foundations of a purpose statement for our homeschool.]

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

[Oh, Lord!  Oh, Lord!  That thought both humbles me ... and raises me up.  I am a jar of clay, Lord.  Weak and broken.  And yet ... that isn't an accident?  The fact that you've entrusted these children, this task of proclaiming life-giving truth to real human beings, to someone who is so lowly, so insignificant and so, so frail herself ... that was a part of the plan?  I know what that means - as much as I don't like to admit it.  It means that I should stop holding my breath, stop longing for that day when I'm independent of your mercy, strong enough to cope without grace, too savvy to need to cry out to you in prayer.  I really do want the world to know that the surpassing power belongs to you.  And honestly, Lord, right now, the way you've got it set up, I don't think anyone would mistake me for the source!]

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

[How much suffering can I handle?  How long can I last?  How hard is too hard?  It seems like there must be this delicate balance, Lord.  This tiny margin between "afflicted" and "crushed", between "perplexed" and "despairing".  How could I find that small space?  How would I know how to measure out my own suffering?  How would I know how much my body could handle to have Jesus manifest in it today?  If I am afflicted, Lord, let it be from your hand.  Let no one else strike me down, Lord, but you, whom I trust to work death in me, and yet hold me back from being destroyed.]

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

[This is the big picture, this eternal, kingdom goal - more grace to more people, more thanksgiving, more glory to God.  That is a big, big thing to be a part of.  That gives purpose and hope beyond what I can accomplish in a day, even in a lifetime.]

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison ....

[Is it overly dramatic, Lord, at age 37 to say that my outer self is wasting away?  Because it does feel like a wasting away.  And yet, if the counterpart to that is my inner self being renewed day by day, then no time is too soon to embrace that pattern.  Momentary.  Light.  Affliction.  Eternal.  Weight.  Glory.  I believe, Lord, but help my unbelief.  Keep me, here, from being crushed.  And then, in eternity, crush me with that eternal weight.  Smother me with your glory. I'll be ready for it.  I'll be desperate for it.]

... as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

[See, that's just where my struggle is, Lord.  The "seen" is so much easier to "see" than the unseen.  But I suppose you're trying to remind me that how easy something is to see has a lot to do with where I am looking.]

Do the Next Thing

I just love this poem.  Some sites credit it to Elizabeth Elliot.  Others mention that she shared it as from an anonymous author.  I haven't been able to find out for sure who wrote it, so I'll leave it unattributed for now.  I have had a copy of this poem for quite some time and think of it often.  But recently it seems to have risen to the surface of my soul as a kind of "theme song" of our homeschool (or at least the theme song of my own processing of thoughts about our homeschool).

Do The Next Thing

From an old English parsonage,
Down by the sea,
There came in the twilight,
A message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend,
Deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me,
Teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours
The quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration
 “DO THE NEXT THING.”

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment,
Let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity,
Guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows,
Child of the King, 
Trust them with Jesus,
“DO THE NEXT THING.”

Do it immediately;
Do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence,
Tracing His Hand,
Who placed it before thee with 
Earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence,
Safe 'neath His wing,
Leave all resultings,
“DO THE NEXT THING.”

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
(Working or suffering)
Be thy demeanor,
In His dear presence,
The rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance
Be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness,
Praise and sing,
Then, as He beckons thee,
“DO THE NEXT THING."
-Author unknown

Just a random picture that makes me smile.

Psalm 25 for Mommies

Other periods in history have had their challenges, no doubt.  Please don't misunderstand.  I'm not pining to parent in the Middle Ages or anything.  But it is certain that one of the parenting challenges of the time we live in (in this culture at least) are the dizzying number of choices and the staggering expectations (both external and self-imposed) to produce really amazing children.  And you don't have to be a homeschool mom to feel the pressure.

Yesterday I read Psalm 25 and found it just what I needed.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

[Lord, I confess ... I'm afraid of being put to shame.  What if I mess it all up?  What if I invest all these years ... and then the world just laughs?]

Make me to know your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.

[I'm waiting on you, Lord.  Well, I'm trying to wait on you.  Help me to wait on you, to look to you for wisdom and not to the hundreds of other places I'm tempted to run.  I want to be a good teacher.  And I want to learn from the best.]

Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

[Yes, Lord, please do wipe away the sins of my youth.  And the sins of this week, too, please.  And help me to remember that you cleanse me of these sins to demonstrate something about yourself - your steadfast love and your goodness.]

Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.

[There is it right there.  That's the characteristic I most need in order to be a great mom.  Humility.  Not intelligence.  Not diligence.  Not creativity.  Humility.  He instructs sinners.  I just need to know that I am one.]

All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
For your namesake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
His soul shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.

[I want that, Lord.  I want to abide in that well-being.  I want my offspring to inherit your eternal country.  Help me to fear you, Lord; instruct me in the way I should choose.]

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him,
and he makes know to them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
For he will pluck my feet out of the net.

[And there seem so many nets.  Fear of man.  Resentment towards those who make demands on my time.  Bitterness towards the trials you bring for my good and sanctification.  Loosing sight of the eternal goal and the purpose for which I was created.  Pluck me out.]

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

[Lord, it's so messy.  There are problems on the outside.  But there are also problems that come from inside me.  And sometimes the biggest problem is distinguishing between them!  Please would you comfort me in those trials that you bring from without, reveal and forgive those that arise out of my own heart?]

Consider how many are my foes
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

[That's it, Lord!  That's what it looks like not to be put to shame!  It looks like being preserved in integrity and uprightness.  Not being put to shame doesn't mean that the world stands up and applauds.  It means that the world sees that my God preserves his people from falling away.  Deliverance isn't necessarily a rescue from external circumstances, but it is you guarding and delivering my soul as I pass through them!]

Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

[Help me to remember, Lord.  Even what's happening to me isn't really about me.  It's about carrying out your plan, throughout all of time, to redeem and rescue your people, for the glory of your name.  Humble me, Lord, preserve me, and teach me.]