1 Corinthians 13 for Siblings

We often talk about love and wanting our children to love each other.  But what does "love" actually look like?  Are we talking about some warm fuzzy feelings? Or is love an intentional choice, an attitude, a purposeful reaction?

Let's examine a familiar passage about love and lay it out as it might look applied to the relationships of brothers and sisters.

Love is patient

I know that I have struggles.  I know that she does, too.  I want to keep on loving her, even when it seems like it will take a long time for her to understand or improve.

and kind;

God gives generously and without reproach.  I want to do the same for him.

love does not envy

I can be happy for her to enjoy something that I don't have or get.  It gives me joy to see her happy!

or boast;

When I talk to him, I want to think about how I can encourage and bless him, not on how I can promote myself or make myself feel (or him think) that I am better than him.

it is not arrogant

I do not assume that my opinion is the only right opinion or that my perspective is the only one that matters.  Instead, I assume that there is much I can learn from her and that her thoughts and ideas are valuable.

or rude.

I know that the words I choose, the tone of voice I use and what my body language says matter.  I know that, while my intentions are important, it is also important that I communicate them carefully.

It does not insist on its own way;

The universe does not revolve around me.  My needs and my desires are important.  But they are not the only ones that are important.  Letting him have his way can tell him that his needs and desires matter to me.

it is not irritable

I know that I am a sinner.  Other people around me have to deal with my sins.  Isn't it a little silly of me to behave as though I don't deserve to have to deal with her sins?

or resentful;

I need to keep a clean slate with him.  I want to deal with problems quickly, rather than keeping a list of his faults and offences.  If I find myself quickly reacting negatively, or saying things like "He always ..." or "He keeps on ..." this might be a sign that I'm not keeping short accounts.

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,

My value does not come from being better than other people around me.  Therefore, when I see her fail or fall, that doesn't make me any better of a person.  My reaction to her struggles should be compassion, not delight.

but rejoices with the truth.

When we have a dispute, I should be most interested in getting to the bottom of the matter.  I want to know what is true (even about my own heart) more than I want to be "the winner".

Love bears all things,

Jesus bore my sins on the cross to death.  And through his grace I can bear the hardships and sufferings that come as a part of my relationship with him.

believes all things,

I should not jump to conclusions about her.  I should not assume the worst.  Instead, I should give her the benefit of the doubt and approach her with questions rather than accusations.

hopes all things,

The same God that is living and active in me is living and active in him.  I am watching with hopeful expectations to see the beautiful things God will work in his heart and life and in our relationship with each other.  Like a sailor in the crow's nest scouting for the next bit of land, I'm ready to take note and to give thanks when I see what I'm on the look-out to catch sight of!

endures all things.

I will not give up on her.  She might need some space.  I might need some space.  But we're not "done".  How many chances does she get?  Not seven.  Seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:22)

Love never ends...
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Dear Mother,

If you are anything like me, you might be rubbing your hands together, cracking your knuckles and preparing to print this out and go preach a morality sermon to your children.  Could I ask you to do one thing before you head down that road?  Would you please go through this list one more time and instead of reading from the perspective of one sibling to another, read it from the perspective of a mother to her children.

(Go ahead.  I'll wait while you look it over.)

Was that painful?  If so, don't panic.  All of the "ouch" moments are actually extremely, hugely, magnificently excellently valuable opportunities for modeling love to your children.  Pull out your heart and place it on the table in front of your children.  Get out the microscope and let them take a look.  Point out what you see that doesn't match what you read above.  Tell them you are sorry for the times you've treated your agenda like it was the only one that mattered.  Explain that speaking rudely to them - or anyone - isn't loving and you want to grow in that area.

Then, take them with you as you go to the cross.  Pray - out loud, right there in front of them - and show them what we do with sins and failures when we find them.  Confess.  Thank the Lord for his free grace and forgiveness.  And then invite them to do the same with you.  That would be a great way to start the "sermon" (Matthew 7:4). ;-)

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.

Outdo One Another in Showing Honor

We often hear about "sibling rivalry" or "sibling squabbles" and want to know how to manage those episodes.  And, let's face it, those moments arise and those issues have to be addressed.  But the heat of the moment isn't the best time to start talking about how we should relate to each other.  That would be like waiting to start a savings account until you have a major home repair that you cannot afford.  However, if you find yourself in that spot, perhaps it will spur you on to think proactively in the future.

This same principle applies to relationships.  Of course, conflict will happen and will need to be addressed.  But the best case scenario is for there to be a regular, ongoing pattern of relationship building and strengthening in the "good times" so that there is a stock of trust to draw on for a "rainy day".  Rest assured, this is already happening in your home.  Siblings are building relationships.  Trust is being established and is growing.  But it can be helpful for us as mamas to know how to talk about it proactively, intentionally and positively (not just "Quit doing that to your brother!").

We have started to look at Romans 12 and we've seen these themes:

1. Live peaceably with all.
2. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
3. Outdo one another in showing honor.
4. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

We've discussed the living peaceably here and the rejoicing and weeping here.  But one of the best guides for positive, active relationship building is the concept "outdo one another in showing honor".  Here are some of the verses from Romans 12 that speak to that idea.

Rom 12:10  Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 

Rom 12:11  Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.

Rom 12:13  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Rom 12:16b ... Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

When read out of context "Outdo one another in showing honor" sounds like some kind of ostentatious flattery contest.  But when you look at the other verses, you realize that we're not talking about fake honor that is a kind of back door to self-promotion.  First, this honor comes from a zealous, fervent spirit intent on serving the Lord (v.11).  Secondly, it is related to meeting the needs of others and even looking for opportunity to do so (v.13).  And finally, it is something we do for "the lowly" - in other words, this is service we render to those whom we would not expect to be able to return the favor (v.16).

When my brother worked for Chick-Fil-A, he was trained to respond to a customer's "Thank You" with "It is my pleasure!"  My father picked up that habit because he felt it was a beautiful response.  I've picked up that habit because I also think it is a beautiful response, and because I have seen the glow in my children's eyes when I tell them that it gives me pleasure to do good for them.   I have also adopted that habit because I hope that by saying it, I can give a little nudge to my heart in those times when it doesn't quite agree with my mouth!

We've talked, in our house, about how diligently we would search if we knew that there were coins hidden in the house.  Since caring for and outwardly demonstrating love to those with whom we most want to build trust is far more valuable than coins, how much more should we be actively seeking out ways to do it.  When someone says "Can you hand me the box of markers?" instead of being annoyed or feeling inconvenienced, instead we want to think "Oh, good!  I've just found another way I can show love!"  Do we naturally respond this way?  Nope.  It takes practice.  It takes intentionality.  And it takes repentance.  "I'm sorry I got irritated when you asked for the markers.  I really want to be helpful to you.  I'm sorry I didn't respond that way earlier."

Want to know a little secret?  You, as a mother, have a tremendous (seriously, do not underestimate this!) power to enhance and multiply the effects of the little acts of kindness that may go unnoticed.  Lean over to your daughter and whisper "Did you know that was the last page of his sketch book that he tore out for you to use?  You really are very important to him!"  Mention to your son "I've noticed how your sister has started making a point to ask you before she uses your tools.  That tells me that your respect and trust is very precious to her."  Try it.  I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Please don't leave this post with the impression that our home is a continual festival of little acts of kindness and beaming cherub children.  What I'm illustrating here is not what we've achieved so much as a vision of what we should be thinking about and working towards.  Every day is a new day.  His mercies are new every morning.  And for this I am eternally thankful!

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.

Rejoicing and Weeping

While we are called to live peaceably with all as far as it concerns us, there are degrees of relationship.  The closer the relationship, the more energy we are called to invest in it to keep it healthy and safe.  Each of us has a different capacity for relationship; we are not called to be equally intimate, to invest equally deeply in everyone we know.  Some relationships are to be given priority by means of proximity (loving your "neighbor" - see Luke 10:29ff) and sibling relationships are certainly some of those "neighbor" relationships.

Romans 12:10 says that Christians are to "love one another with brotherly affection" [emphasis mine].  Even the use of the word "brotherly" as an adjective suggests that there is a naturally assumed closeness and affinity between siblings.  So, what does "brotherly affection" look like?  There are four main topics addressed in the verses which follow:

1. Live peaceably with all.
2. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
3. Outdo one another in showing honor.
4. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

In the previous post, we talked about #1 (Peace is an Uphill Journey) and I promised there that we'd expand on what it looks like to actively seek peace in the household. Today let's start a discussion about #2: rejoicing and weeping.  The verses in Romans read as follows:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Romans 12:15-16a

Part of what it means to love brothers and sisters is to "harmonize" with them, both in their joy and in their sorrow, to tune our chords to the major and minor keys of their melody.  This sounds commonsensical, but it isn't always easy.  We are naturally self-focused and concerned mostly with our own experience and emotions.  It takes a great deal of purpose and intentionality to observe what is happening in the lives of those around us and to engage with them in the rejoicing or weeping it produces.

When several children are playing outside and one falls and is hurt, others need to stop and see how they can help.  It is "discordant" for everyone else to laugh and play happily while a sibling cries nearby.  On the other hand, when one child receives a special treat or privilege, it is important for siblings to learn how to be happy for that child and rejoice with them rather than robbing them of a part of their joy by spite or negative comments.

Mama, when one of your little ones comes to you excited about a drawing or a nature find, do you enjoy it with them?  When a child is upset about something that seems to you like a minor problem, do you belittle their concern, or relate to their hurt?  This sharing in the moments of life - even when they arise at inconvenient times - builds emotional capital in the relationship bank.  This proactive, self-sacrificing, other-focused attitude is a huge part of the daily seeking of peace.

This isn't a "quick tip".  Your children will struggle to do this.  You will struggle to do this.  It goes against the grain and takes a great deal of self-knowledge and self-control to engage with another in their joys and sorrows, especially when those emotions happen to be contrary to what we ourselves are currently feeling.  Imagine how difficult it can be to rejoice with someone's new home purchase when you are experiencing financial struggles, or how difficult it can be to tuck away enthusiasm over a new baby in order to weep with a friend who has just experienced a miscarriage.

Sometimes, as a mother, you will have to counsel in both directions at once.  The child who gets to spend a weekend with the grandparents needs to keep from gloating over his privilege and to identify with how sad his siblings will be to miss him and to miss the fun with grandparents.  On the other hand, the siblings need to rejoice with him in his special treat and not try to make him feel guilty for having this priveledge.

What is the balance?  Who gives more?  What emotions are appropriate to share, when and to what degree?  This is not the stuff of rules, checklists and flow-charts.  This is the stuff of living side by side and walking through the experiences of life with your children in a wisdom-building, grace-instilling way.  This is enough work to fill up a lifetime.  But it is good work.  And it is work with eternal value.  Dig deep, mama.  Lean in.  Not a moment is wasted, not a tear or a prayer goes unnoticed.

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.

Peace is an Uphill Climb

Above anything else, I want my home to be a safe place for our family.  I don't just mean a physically safe place (though I definitely do want that).  I want home to be the place where it is safe to retreat after a colossal failure and to receive the encouragement necessary to go back out and try again.  I want home to be the place where it is safe to share your crazy dreams and secret aspirations.  I want home to be a place where it is safe to cry or laugh, ask questions or sit quietly, all within the framework of knowing that you will always belong here and will always be embraced.

But this kind of environment, this attitude and atmosphere is a tall order!  Peace in the household requires more than simply "live and let live" or "do no harm".  It is not enough to avoid actively hurting or offending others.  Rather, peace takes purposeful, intentional (and often strenuous, self-sacrificing) effort!  Listen to how God's Word talks about peace ...

Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalms 34:14

Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy.
Proverbs 12:20

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
Romans 14:19

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
James 3:18

... be diligent to be found by him without spot or blemish, and at peace.
2 Peter 3:14

[emphases mine]

Even as I read this, I am struck by how little of my day is spent intentionally seeking the peace of the household.  And, of course, none of us can do this consistently or perfectly.  So why make a case out of it?

I have found that this concept has been a foundational discussion in getting to the bottom of some of the trickiest struggles amongst the members of our household.  Yes, there are certainly times when someone actually meant to hurt someone, damage their property or say unkind things.  But at least as many times there are things said or done that weren't intentionally wounding and yet everyone nearby can sense that the result was upsetting. 

Rather than asking my children "Were you being unkind?" or "Why did you hurt her?" I realized that it often makes more sense to ask "Were you seeking the peace of the household?" or "Were you living peaceably, as far as it depends on you?"  This isn't meant to "pin" them with blame or to create a "gotcha" moment.  And I don't intend to convey that a failure to seek peace is an equally grievous offense as an intentional desire to wound.  Rather I simply want to reframe the attitudes and goals of interactions in the household.  Our goal as a family isn't to proceed on following our own desires and hoping to avoid conflict, but to actively plan for peace.

"Not thinking" about what you are doing or saying is not an excuse that renders you blameless in the offending of others.  "Not thinking," rather, is an admission that you were not seeking, striving, pursuing and planning for peace.  It may be true that you "didn't intend" to hurt.  But did you "intend" to bless, encourage and build up?

Dear Mama, as you lead your children in considering their hearts, consider your own as well (or perhaps first per Matthew 7:4).  How many times a day do we all fall short in this way?  We have our own agenda in mind and we fail to ...

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4

Are you seeking peace ... or just wanting to get the stupid laundry and school work accomplished?  Are you planning for peace ... or planning to avoid inconvenience and discomfort?  Does this seem unbelievably challenging?  Humanly impossible?  Well, it should!  This is a divine task to which we have been called.  Peace doesn't come cheaply.  Think of what it cost Christ:

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.
Colossians 1:19-20

He shed his blood to gain peace with us.  And he shed his blood to give us the freedom to purposefully, diligently and actively pursue peace with others.  When you fail to seek peace, go to the cross in front of your children.  And when they fail to seek peace, lead them to the cross with you.  Pray with me as I pray for our household and yours!

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.
2 Peter 1:2-4

The LORD bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel!
Psalms 128:5-6

This post is a part of the Mama Marriage Counselor series.  The next few posts in this series will expand on and flesh out the concept of seeking peace in the details of life at home.

Mama Marriage Counselor

I'm starting a new series on the blog today and along with it a new page to collect the related posts.  You can find the text below on the Mama Marriage Counselor page (also a new tab at the top of the blog) and look there to see new posts as they are added.

Who had it first?  Who does it belong to?  Where did she find it?  What did she do to you after that?

Do you decide for the plaintiff or the defendant?  And which one is which anyway?

I used to view my role in sibling disputes more like that of a judge: hear the facts, render a verdict and hand down a sentence.

And then one day, everything began to change When God Turned the Tables on Me.

And now, I am learning, slowly, that being a mama in the midst of little people is more like the role of a marriage counselor than the role of a judge.  Sure, I can make a ruling on who gets the ball, who gets to sit there, or whose turn is next.  That is much simpler and quicker.  And it is of value to my children ... for about the next 35 seconds until another dispute erupts.  Or, I can walk alongside them and teach them how to understand what is going on in their own hearts.  I can view each "episode" as a learning opportunity for understanding people, their needs, our needs and our own tendencies.  And that is of eternally lasting value.

There are, however, two problems with this second approach.  First, it takes a lot longer.  It is a lot more challenging mentally, physically and emotionally to really invest into people's lives, to sit with them in their struggle and to be a safe place for them to turn their hearts inside out and dump everything onto the table for you to peruse.

Secondly, it will inevitably lead to your own journey of self-discovery.  You will never be that safe place unless your heart is inside out on the table, too.  But hold onto your hat, sister.  Once you start this journey, side by side with those little people who live in your home and breathe the same air you breathe, you will never be the same again.  It is like drinking from a fire hydrant.  So much testing by fire (or by water?) that sometimes you will wish you could go back to being the impartial judge and sentence-declarer.

And this is why we need to, we must take this journey in community.  Will you join us here?  Think of this as the counselors' meeting room.  Let us stir one another up to love and good works!

New Directions ...

I originally began this blog as a way to process out loud about our homeschool math experiment.  I will continue to blog about that as interesting things pop up.  But since I've laid out the basics, now I'd like to start a few new threads.  Here's what's been rattling around in my brain ...

Finding Beauty in Phonics

Recently, I listened to Sarah Mackenzie interviewing Andrew Kern.  Andrew Kern was encouraging moms/parents to be about the business of opening the eyes of their children to beauty, to be intentional about regularly putting beautiful things before their children.  Sarah Mackenzie asked "What would you say to a busy mom who says she doesn't have time to put beauty before her children because she has to teach math and phonics?"  Kern's response?  "I would say that math and phonics are beautiful!"

We've already been growing in our understanding of math as something beautiful to engage as a topic of conversation and to enjoy.  Recently, in my efforts to make more one-on-one time with my new reader and with my struggling reader, I've rediscovered the joy of uncovering new and curious things about this language that we read, write and speak.  I'm hoping to share little nuggets of interesting information and also ideas for phonics "investigations" with your kiddos.  I am hoping that this series will be of use to a wide range of folks - mamas of the littlest littles who want to prep for teaching pre-readers to older elementary kids who want the chance to dig deep into why English does what it does!

Math in Real Life: Board Gaming

Call me a snob if you like, but I'm not a super huge fan of "math board games".  In my experience (though I'd be happy to find a counterexample) most math board games put a higher priority on "educational" content and a lower priority on balanced mechanics, gameplay and replayability.  Plus, I'm not convinced that playing "educational board games" really counts as "living math" ... or perhaps it does, but only to the level that word problems count as "living math": something created to resemble real life for the purpose of teaching a math concept.

I'm not against word problems.  And I'm not against educational board games.  But what I really love to do is to play board games - real board games that were made primarily to be fun to play - and to engage with the children about how our understanding of mathematics facilitates our ability to play well and to make good choices in the game.  Our family is somewhat of a board gaming family so this is already a passion of ours and I want to help the children explore how math relates!  Want to join us in this exploration?

Mama as "Marriage Counselor"

Sure, academics and thoughts about academics take up a big portion of a homeschool mom's brain.  But for anyone (homeschool mom or not!) who has more than one kid, sibling interaction is a big part of the day and guiding them is a big part of a mom's job.  Over the last couple of years the Lord has really been re-formatting my thinking on this and my role in helping siblings to navigate disputes has shifted from the role of a "judge" to that of a "marriage counselor" - helping each person to know how best to love another with whom they live side-by-side, share space and possessions, clean up after and to whom they have a life-long commitment!

I certainly don't claim to have any kind of "silver bullet" that will "fix" sibling problems.  In fact, that really isn't my goal in my own home.  Rather, my goal is to use the "sticky spots" that commonly arise to teach my kids lessons that will have broad application throughout the course of their lives - lessons on how to know and understand their own hearts and on how to love others, even when those others are acting like enemies.

And ... Scoping!!

In addition to blogging here, I'm also hoping to start "Scoping" on Periscope soon on each of these three topics.  If you have a smartphone, you can download the Periscope app and follow me @hswotrainingwls (if you're on your phone you can click the link to find my profile).  I'd love to see you there and to have your interaction and input.  (Of course, I'd love to have your interaction and input here, too!)