Sarah Mackenzie says that "rest is the virtue between negligence and anxiety". In the companion journal to Teaching from Rest she asks the reader to consider whether she tends more towards negligence or anxiety. Mentally I answered quickly "I tend more towards anxiety!"
On the face of it, who would ever wish to be anxiety-prone? Who wants to be thought of (or to think of themselves as) stressed out? However (now be honest with me, or at least with yourself) if given the choice, would you rather be thought of as anxious ... or as negligent?
We live in a society that values productivity and efficiency. Being stressed is a sign of drive and industry. Being negligent is just plain unattractive.
When we first moved into our current home and people would come over to visit, I would give them a tour. Matt came to refer to it as the "apology tour". I didn't want anyone to think that I lacked vision or purpose, so my comments about every room involved making definite statements about what I didn't like about the room and how I planned to change it. If I couldn't show off what I had actually done, at least I could let everybody know that I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing. What was missing was a simple contentment with and gratitude for what the Lord had provided.
I've carried over the same attitude to my mothering. If my kids aren't where I think they should be, if I haven't included everything in our schedule that I feel we should, if other people are accomplishing things that I'm not, at least I can communicate to people that I am constantly tied up in knots about what I'm not doing. Doesn't that seem more noble than falling short and being OK with it? Or, put another way, if I criticize myself first, I preempt any chance for someone else to do it for me.
Of course, I wouldn't describe myself (out loud, at least) as anxiety-prone. I have much more attractive ways of framing my condition. I care deeply about my children's upbringing. I take this job very seriously. I accept my personal responsibility for these decisions and practices. After all, who could fault me for caring too much?
So, not only did I have to honestly admit that I am more prone to anxiety, I am actually willing to believe that anxiety is the anecdote to negligence. Let me rephrase that: I am convinced that describing myself as anxious is the anecdote to being perceived as negligent. After all, if you aren't stressing over something, you must not care too much about it, right? Truth be told, I think I somehow manage to be both negligent and anxious at the same time!
Another time I'd like to do a follow-up post to share some insights on anxiety from Sarah Mackenzie's interview with Andrew Kern (another one of the items in the Teaching from Rest Companion files).
Monday, February 8, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Letting Go
Sarah Mackenzie uses this same analogy in Teaching from Rest in Part One: Whose "Well Done" Are You Working For? (Please note: Even if you aren't a homeschool mom, please keep reading. This has nothing to do with homeschooling - really - and everything to do with being a finite human tasked with kingdom work!)
Just like the disciples, I see this huge throng of people to feed - this seeming impossibility. The shaping of souls and raising of children, the mopping of floors, washing of dishes, bandaging of scraped knees and hearts and worries, the teaching and admonishing and doling out myself. It's all too much ... I fall to my knees and I cry out to God. We're a throng of hungry people in the desert, and I'm supposed to feed them. On an ordinary Monday, I am in need of a miracle of biblical proportions.
It isn't that I have nothing, exactly. I have my little basket. I can read aloud pretty well. I'm good at organizing things on paper. I can make a decent pot of chili and I know how to push a vacuum. I love my children with all of my being and I have a real desire to watch them grow to love and serve Him. I don't really have any idea how I'm supposed to tackle everything ahead of me in this day, this year, this decade when that's all I've got. It's just a couple of loaves of bread and a few fish.
Apparently that's all He needs.As I have contemplated this recently, one thought that came to mind was that the little boy who brought the loaves and the fish had to do something really hard. Offering his food to the Lord meant letting go of the only thing he had. He was a hungry person in the desert, too, after all. He didn't get to hold back on a loaf or two, giving the rest to the Lord for miracle-working. He had to give it all up.
I don't want to try to read things into this Biblical account that aren't intended to be there. God doesn't tell us (and if he doesn't, he must have his reasons) how the boy was feeling, if he had much time to contemplate the request or if his parents were there to help him process it all. The only thing we know is that he gave all his food away, that he (like everyone else) was fed until he had enough and that his letting go was one small part of the unfolding of God's plan.
So what does it look like to "let go"? Does that mean sitting on the sofa and waiting around for God to work? Does it mean making no plans or refraining from giving my children any structure or direction? Does it mean that planning, activity and effort are signs of resistance and rebellion?
I'm still chewing on this thought, still working through what it looks like to trust the Lord with my gifts and resources, to use them to seek first his kingdom and trust that "all these things" will be added unto me. But one place I have been convicted is my lack of prayer. (What follows are my own reflections on me. Apply only as applicable.)
If I'm honest, I have to admit that when I'm up in the morning before the children, I find far more comfort in using a 15 or 20 minute chunk of time to get some laundry started, pay some bills or do something else that gives me a feeling of productivity and a foothold on the day, than I do taking that time to pray. I don't think that Scripture requires us to pray for 20 minutes every morning or to pray every morning or to pray instead of paying bills or anything specific like that. However, I do know that my heart usually runs first to "doing" rather than to "trusting".
Sarah Mackenzie writes,
An indispensable part of bringing our basket, prayer puts aside "doing" in favor of "being" and "becoming": being in his presence and becoming more like Him.It's not that prayer is a twisting of God's arm to enforce the meeting of our desires. Rather, prayer - handing over my basket to God - is a way for me to acknowledge that it was never mine to begin with and that I'm OK with him using it however he sees fit. I'll leave you with two more gems from Teaching from Rest ...
Before we attempt to live a day well, teach our children, or tackle our to-dos, first we put the whole thing at his feet. We beg God to use us to fulfill His purpose, and then we see that every frustration in the day ahead is an answer to that very prayer. [emphasis mine]
We are weary because we forget about grace. We act as though God showing up is the miracle. But guess what? God's showing up is a given. Grace is a fact.Why would I not want to start my day by soaking in that truth for a while?
Friday, February 5, 2016
Details on Demand - Part 2
In my first Details on Demand post I talked about how a friend suggested Math on the Level and what an amazing discovery that was. However, the post was getting long, time was getting short and, to be honest, my spreadsheet wasn't finished yet. Now that I've got a completed spreadsheet under my belt (that's an odd mental image, isn't it?) and a little more time, here's the rest of the summary overview of our new system.
In the last post, I shared an image of the main/first page of our spreadsheet:
This worksheet lists all the concepts to be tacked before Algebra. The X's on the right simply indicate mastery - concepts that are ready for review. However, I also have separate worksheets for each child.
Each child's individual worksheet enables me to track not only what concepts they need to review, but how often they need to review them, when they have recently reviewed that topic and how they fared with it. Here's a sample of Luke's worksheet.
"Max intended" lists how frequently I'd like Luke to practice this concept. Because I'm just getting my feet wet (and because Luke has a ton to review ... this is only about half of his list) I've put most everything at 21 days (once every three weeks). However, he had a little difficulty with #76 Converting Between Customary Units, so I upgraded that to a once-a-week (7 days) review. The blue column shows how many days have passed since the last practice and the column to the right of that displays *** if the topic is up for review.
As I assign new problems, I put in the date to the right. The gray column tracks the most recent time that topic was covered. I took this screen snip after assigning Luke 5-A-Days for 2/3/16 but before updating the spreadsheet to show how well he did so that you could see the ones assigned for a particular day. Even though he only does five problems per day, one problem can review multiple concepts. For example, I was able to ask one question that addressed both #10 and #11 and another question that addressed both #7 and #129 (Comparing Fractions).
Problems given on previous days and already checked have been color coded. Green means he got it correct. Yellow indicates a problem he missed, but was able to correct without any help. Red (not shown here) indicates he had trouble and needed help. More than one red and I'll reassess whether this is really a concept that belongs in the "mastered, ready for review" group.
For comparison, here's Robyn's personal worksheet.
While the screen snip from Luke's page showed only a portion of his review concepts, this is everything for Robyn. A much smaller list. And so a much more frequent rotation.
Another day I'll go into more detail about why this system is so great for us. And I know I've just dropped a blizzard of new blog posts on folks, so feel free to take a few days to sift through it all. It may be that long before I get back to adding anything new because my next project is to get the Language spreadsheet up and running. Enjoy your weekend!
P.S. There is a Youtube Video giving more detail about how to use this spreadsheet narrated by the person who created it (a Math on the Level homeschool mom). It won't be of much use/interest to you, unless you are thinking of personally adopting this kind of system. Otherwise the summary above is sufficient.
In the last post, I shared an image of the main/first page of our spreadsheet:
This worksheet lists all the concepts to be tacked before Algebra. The X's on the right simply indicate mastery - concepts that are ready for review. However, I also have separate worksheets for each child.
Each child's individual worksheet enables me to track not only what concepts they need to review, but how often they need to review them, when they have recently reviewed that topic and how they fared with it. Here's a sample of Luke's worksheet.
"Max intended" lists how frequently I'd like Luke to practice this concept. Because I'm just getting my feet wet (and because Luke has a ton to review ... this is only about half of his list) I've put most everything at 21 days (once every three weeks). However, he had a little difficulty with #76 Converting Between Customary Units, so I upgraded that to a once-a-week (7 days) review. The blue column shows how many days have passed since the last practice and the column to the right of that displays *** if the topic is up for review.
As I assign new problems, I put in the date to the right. The gray column tracks the most recent time that topic was covered. I took this screen snip after assigning Luke 5-A-Days for 2/3/16 but before updating the spreadsheet to show how well he did so that you could see the ones assigned for a particular day. Even though he only does five problems per day, one problem can review multiple concepts. For example, I was able to ask one question that addressed both #10 and #11 and another question that addressed both #7 and #129 (Comparing Fractions).
Problems given on previous days and already checked have been color coded. Green means he got it correct. Yellow indicates a problem he missed, but was able to correct without any help. Red (not shown here) indicates he had trouble and needed help. More than one red and I'll reassess whether this is really a concept that belongs in the "mastered, ready for review" group.
For comparison, here's Robyn's personal worksheet.
While the screen snip from Luke's page showed only a portion of his review concepts, this is everything for Robyn. A much smaller list. And so a much more frequent rotation.
Another day I'll go into more detail about why this system is so great for us. And I know I've just dropped a blizzard of new blog posts on folks, so feel free to take a few days to sift through it all. It may be that long before I get back to adding anything new because my next project is to get the Language spreadsheet up and running. Enjoy your weekend!
P.S. There is a Youtube Video giving more detail about how to use this spreadsheet narrated by the person who created it (a Math on the Level homeschool mom). It won't be of much use/interest to you, unless you are thinking of personally adopting this kind of system. Otherwise the summary above is sufficient.
Day 8: No Five-A-Days
We did morning school time as usual. But I chose to forego the Five-A-Days because we were so behind in Latin. We used the afternoon time to help the older children catch up on that work. It reminded me of why I am so excited about the idea of not having textbooks, because it eliminates the concept of being "behind" and needing to cram many days worth of work into one or two days. It reminds me of the need to make resources work for me ... and not the other way around!
Day 7: Failure or Flexibility?
Because I stayed up (too) late the night before working on the math spreadsheet ... and because the person I was sleeping next to spent the night dealing with fever and chills, I was a tired, tired girl in the morning. I hadn't made any Five-A-Days for the kids. So, here was the true test. Our experiment met its first big trial-by-fire.
I do have a tendency to procrastinate. Sometimes I choose not to work because the work seems overwhelming. But sometimes I choose "fun" work (like getting a spreadsheet up and running) over less fun work (like writing out Five-A-Day questions). The night before I was telling myself I'd get up early and do them before the children woke up (which I have done several times over the course of this experiment). When that didn't happen, I told myself I'd find a time somewhere to fit them in during the morning, since the kids didn't have to do them until the afternoon.
The result was that everybody had Math 5-A-Days, but nobody had any language. So, was this a failure of the system (or a proof that I don't have the character qualities for a system like this)? In hindsight, I truly think not.
First, the night before, what I had spent about three hours doing was setting up the review-topics section of the spreadsheet for each individual kid. Yes, this was fun (for me). But just because I'm enjoying my work doesn't necessarily prove I'm being lazy, selfish, weak or [insert other pejorative character trait]. This was good work that needed to be done. And it was one-time kinda work. Maintaining the spreadsheet on a daily basis will take moments, compared to the hours the initial set-up process took. (Good thing I enjoy that kinda work, right?)
Secondly, because the math spreadsheet was fully up and running, and the language one wasn't (still isn't) it gave me a great chance to compare the process of making 5-A-Days with and without a fully functional spreadsheet! Getting math set up was fun and easy - look down the list of topics that need review, pick a few and make questions to fit. Language, on the other hand, was daunting (and so never got done) because it was more of a mental effort. Not as much of the planning was laid out for me.
So, in the end, I think Day 7 was a great success. We did morning school smoothly. And I had a chance to see what a great resource and tool the spreadsheet is! Gives me even more motivation to get another (others?) up and functional!!
I do have a tendency to procrastinate. Sometimes I choose not to work because the work seems overwhelming. But sometimes I choose "fun" work (like getting a spreadsheet up and running) over less fun work (like writing out Five-A-Day questions). The night before I was telling myself I'd get up early and do them before the children woke up (which I have done several times over the course of this experiment). When that didn't happen, I told myself I'd find a time somewhere to fit them in during the morning, since the kids didn't have to do them until the afternoon.
The result was that everybody had Math 5-A-Days, but nobody had any language. So, was this a failure of the system (or a proof that I don't have the character qualities for a system like this)? In hindsight, I truly think not.
First, the night before, what I had spent about three hours doing was setting up the review-topics section of the spreadsheet for each individual kid. Yes, this was fun (for me). But just because I'm enjoying my work doesn't necessarily prove I'm being lazy, selfish, weak or [insert other pejorative character trait]. This was good work that needed to be done. And it was one-time kinda work. Maintaining the spreadsheet on a daily basis will take moments, compared to the hours the initial set-up process took. (Good thing I enjoy that kinda work, right?)
Secondly, because the math spreadsheet was fully up and running, and the language one wasn't (still isn't) it gave me a great chance to compare the process of making 5-A-Days with and without a fully functional spreadsheet! Getting math set up was fun and easy - look down the list of topics that need review, pick a few and make questions to fit. Language, on the other hand, was daunting (and so never got done) because it was more of a mental effort. Not as much of the planning was laid out for me.
So, in the end, I think Day 7 was a great success. We did morning school smoothly. And I had a chance to see what a great resource and tool the spreadsheet is! Gives me even more motivation to get another (others?) up and functional!!
Day 6: Sub Plans
My mother and father came over to stay with the children while we took Hazel to the hospital for her procedure. I was able to leave them with some Five-A-Day's to give the children and a few other activities, mostly just so that the children would have some structure and routine and not suffer from running-wild-because-I-have-no-structure-or-routine syndrome. For the most part it went smoothly. One kid had more trouble that I would have expected with math and another more trouble than I would have expected with language. But in my mind, it was still a success because ...
1. I was able to leave them work to practice which was productive and yet was review so (theoretically) didn't require individual instruction to prepare them to complete it.
2. Because each of their questions was aimed at a specific objective, the work that didn't go as well as planned wasn't a waste of time. It was data gathering towards a clearer understanding of what has been mastered and has clearly move into "review" territory ... and what hasn't!
That evening, Matt was exhausted and went to bed earlier (because, as we found out in the nigh, he was coming down with the flu!) so I used the evening to go over the kids' Five-A-Days with them. I also stayed up until midnight finishing the foundation-laying work on the spreadsheet - not because I felt I had to, but because I'm a dork and that's something I find fun.
I know I still haven't finished explaining how I've gone about selecting those Five-A-Day questions. Hopefully I'll be able to cover that today.
1. I was able to leave them work to practice which was productive and yet was review so (theoretically) didn't require individual instruction to prepare them to complete it.
2. Because each of their questions was aimed at a specific objective, the work that didn't go as well as planned wasn't a waste of time. It was data gathering towards a clearer understanding of what has been mastered and has clearly move into "review" territory ... and what hasn't!
That evening, Matt was exhausted and went to bed earlier (because, as we found out in the nigh, he was coming down with the flu!) so I used the evening to go over the kids' Five-A-Days with them. I also stayed up until midnight finishing the foundation-laying work on the spreadsheet - not because I felt I had to, but because I'm a dork and that's something I find fun.
I know I still haven't finished explaining how I've gone about selecting those Five-A-Day questions. Hopefully I'll be able to cover that today.
Staff Development Day
I'll be honest; this has been a tough week.
Monday: Toddler breaks arm at 10 am, day spent visiting doctors, night spent comforting a hurting child.
Tuesday: Spent in a hospital, including handing over my weeping toddler to strangers for my first ever experience of one of my children under general anesthesia.
Wednesday - Thursday: Husband has the flu and is out of commission entirely.
Friday: I'm toast. And I'm an emotional basket case. And today is my baby's first birthday. Cause for thanksgiving and celebration, but also cause for reflecting on the past year which has, without a doubt, been the hardest. year. yet.
So, we did some light chores (regular stuff for a Friday) and now I'm giving myself a day to reflect and process, which I do best through writing. I've actually been processing through writing for years, but in the form of documents on my computer. I never felt comfortable blogging because I never felt like I had any "answers". Now I've realized that what I have to share isn't answers, but questions - the journey, not the endpoint. And it is such a relief to share. So maybe I'll get caught up on the blog?
Side note: I don't know how anyone ever managed to homeschool (and stay sane) before Netflix and Amazon Prime Instant Video.
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